Keeping Your Kids Safe Online

By the time our kids are 18 years old, most of their lives will be documented on the internet...primarily by them.  And you.  The internet is something they will grow up with as a part of their daily lives.  As with all things, when used correctly it is great, but when it is misused the internet can be very dangerous for our kids.  And, because tweeting, posting, snapping and kikking is as second nature as breathing, they don't always think about the consequences before they act. 

How do we protect our children? 
1.  Set boundaries.  Here is a list of responses we got from WMS 6th graders when we asked that rules their parents have about their technology use.
- No internet/phone after 9:00 pm.
- Can't make a purchase (app or game) without parents' permission.
- Only one profile per social media account.  (If you check your child's profile - is that the only one they have or have they created a second one?)
- No technology before homework is finished.
- No more than 1 hour of technology on school days.
- Nothing inappropriate (define this very clearly!)
- Do not post any personal information
- Do not friend or follow anyone you do not know

2.  Educate them.  Don't assume common sense will kick in.  Talk to them about what is and isn't okay.  What they should and shouldn't be doing online.

Wamego Middle School is utilizing the NetSmartz program through the Boys and Girls Club of Manattan to help educate our students about internet safety.  Today we welcomed Chloe Salmon, NetSmartz coordinator, to speak to our sixth graders.  She will also be speaking with our 7th and 8th graders in the near future as well.  Chloe's presentation focused on the following points:

1.  Who are you friends with online?
- People can be anyone they want to be online.  If the aren't your friend in real life, they shouldn't be your friend online. 
- Online Predators - not just the stereotype.  An online predator is someone over the age of 18 who is trying to get personal information about and build a relationship with someone under the age of 18. 

2. Watch where you put your information!
- Once you post, there is no guarantee that your information is completely gone if you delete it.  As soon as you post, someone can save, print or take a screen shot than can be shared immediately or any time in the future. 
- If one post or comment is the only thing someone knows about you, is that a good representation of you?
- Colleges and employers search online profiles to decide who to accept or hire.

3.  Cyberbullying
- Don't Engage!  It is hard, but don't fight back.  That will only fuel the fire and make the problem worse.
- Block.  Almost all online sites or social media have a block or report feature.
- Save evidence.
- Report. 

Helping our kids navigate the choppy waters of the world wide web is a daunting task, but starting with an open conversation is the most important step you can take. 

Conversation Starters:
1.  What are our family rules about technology?  What should they be?
2. What are some ways you stay safe online?

Understanding Self-Harm and Addressing it With Your Child

It has come to our attention that a greater-than-average number of our students may be experimenting with self-harm.  While this is a great concern, it is important to be educated about the different reasons, causes, and outcomes of self-harm before choosing a course of action when addressing this with your child. 

Why Would A Child Self-Harm?

1.        Significant emotional distress (less common)

2.       Attention-seeking, risk-taking behavior among peer groups.  Sometimes described as a temporary ‘fad’ or ‘trend’ among adolescents. (seemingly the current trend)

As a Parent, What Should I Do?

1.        Set aside a time to have an honest, direct conversation with your child.  Ask questions such as:

a.       Self-harm is something I’ve heard about with kids your age….have you heard about it?

b.      Have you heard of any kids who have tried this?  Why do you think they did it?

c.       Have you ever thought about or tried harming yourself?  (If the answer is yes, please continue reading to the article on how to help a child who self-harms.)

2.       Know what your child is doing online.  It is not an invasion of their privacy to ask them what they are doing, seeing and saying through social media.  (There have been Twitter and Instagram accounts created that are dedicated to self-harm.)

3.       If you’re not familiar with ‘ask.fm’, Google it.

My Child is Responsible, Has Good Friends, and Seems Happy.  I Don’t Have to Worry.

1.        When you have a middle school student, you can never assume you don’t have to worry.  Talk to them.

2.       Even if your child is not participating, they may have heard of others who have.  They may have questions or concerns they want to talk with you about but don’t know how to bring it up. 

Who Do I Contact?

1.  If you are not sure how to proceed, you can always contact the school counselor, Mrs. Grieves, to ask for resources.

2. Other resources include your child’s pediatrician or mental health provider.  If your child does not currently see a mental health provider but you believe they maybe should, please contact Mrs. Grieves for resources in the area.

What is The School Doing about This?

1.  We are beginning by informing you, the parents, in hopes that you will talk with your children.

2.  Mrs. Grieves, school counselor, will talk with every child whose name she specifically receives.

3.  If it is believed that a child is self-harming, Mrs. Grieves will work with the child to communicate with his/her guardians and seek help.

If you believe your child may be self-harming for deeper reasons, please continue reading the article “Understanding Self-Harm”.

 

 

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UNDERSTANDING SELF-HARM

DEFINITION:  Self-harm is the causing of physical pain in the form of cutting, burning, peeling or otherwise damaging the body.  (Abusing medication (not for the intent of suicide) and excessive piercings and tattoos can also be considered self-harm when done for the purpose of numbing or seeking pain).

3 REASONS WHY:

1.       The body’s natural reaction to pain is the release of endorphins.  When a person is feeling anxiety, sadness, or loneliness they may harm themselves causing a release of endorphins thus creating a temporary sense of calm and relaxation.

2.       People who have suffered trauma or significant physical/emotional abuse can begin to feel ‘numb’ to any emotion.  Causing physical pain is a way to ‘feel something.’

3.       People who suffer deep feelings of guilt or anger will sometimes self-harm as a punishment they believe they deserve.

SELF-HARM is NOT the same as Suicide:  Research shows that people who self-harm are not interested in ending their lives.  In fact, they use self-harm as a coping mechanism.  However, if the deeper feelings leading to the self-harm are not addressed these feelings could lead to suicidal ideation.

 

HOW TO HELP:

1.       Above all else, let your child know you love him and support him.  Do not become angry or accusatory.

2.       Avoid the question ‘Why.’  Psychological studies show beginning a question with the word why implies accusation.

3.       Instead, ask questions like

a.       ‘How are you feeling right now?’

b.       ‘What were you feeling before you harmed yourself?’

c.       ‘How did you feel after you did it?’

d.       ‘Is there something going on that you’d like to talk about?’

e.      ‘How can I help?’  Before you give advice, see what kind of support they are needing/wanting.

4.       Self-harm is an unhealthy coping mechanism.  Help your child brainstorm other coping mechanisms she already uses – writing, singing, physical activity, sleeping, hanging out with friends, talking with someone, listening to music, etc.

5.      If this is an on-going problem seek professional support.  Your school counselor, social worker or pediatrician can provide resources.

6.       Identify ‘triggers’ such as a certain time/place, in certain situations, while listening to certain music, after hanging out with certain people, etc.  Help your child avoid these triggers.

RESOURCES:

http://aces.nmsu.edu/pubs/_i/I-104.pdf

http://www.parentline.com.au/parenting-information/tip-sheets/self-harm.php

Information compiled by K. Grieves, 2013

 

Addressing Suicide

Yesterday a 13 year old boy in a neighboring community took his own life.  This tragic loss of life has left behind a grieving family and a community struggling to find answers.  As hard as it is to comprehend suicide as an adult, it is even harder for kids.  So, how do we help our children find the help, comfort, and support they will need in the coming days and weeks?

HELPING YOUR CHILD COPE WITH SUICIDE

- Acknowledge the sadness of this tragedy.  Affirm the emotions they are feeling.
- Answer their questions as factually as possible. You may not have all of the answers.
- Encourage your child to talk about the deceased. Recounting fond memories and talking about their common interests and experiences is healthy.
- Your child may benefit from talking with someone such as a pastor, family friend, counselor, coach or other trusted adult about their feelings and concerns. Help them seek out those people.
- Do not shy away from answering your child's questions and helping them process their feelings, but try to avoid focusing on the act of suicide itself.
- Be aware that overemphasis of the suicidal act may be interpreted by vulnerable students as a glamorization of the suicidal act, which can assign idolized status to taking one's own life.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

- Talk with your child about attending the funeral service. Allow them to attend if they desire. If they have never attended a funeral, talk with them about what will happen, what they will see, and what they will do. Also talk with them about what to say to family and friends who are grieving.

- Help them understand the stages of grief:  (for more information click HERE)
            1. Denial/Numbness/Shock
            2.  Bargaining
            3.  Depression/Sadness
            4.  Anger
            5.  Acceptance
Let them know that experiencing these emotions is a normal part of the grieving process.  There is no set time limit.  Everyone will move through these stages at a different pace.  At times, they may repeat certain stages.  Knowing what emotions to expect, and understanding the process can help children cope with the loss. 

- Help your child find positive ways to cope:  writing their emotions and thoughts in a journal, physical activity, talking with empathetic adults/peers, continuing activities such as music lessons, scouts, youth group, sports, etc.
- Maintain as much normalcy in your daily life while still being sensitive to the events and emotions that your child is experiencing.


There is no exact formula to help your child cope.  It will be sad for many people involved including you.  Being present and letting your child know that you are here for them is the most important step you can take during this time.  As their emotions change, continue to remind them that you are available to listen whenever they are ready to talk.  If they are not ready now, they may be in the future. 

Helping Your Child Self-Advocate

Bullying is a hot topic in schools these days, but it is often misunderstood.  Kansas Law defines bullying as an act that is intentional, repeated, intimidating and creates fear of harm to a person or property.  Click here for a flow chart that explains this in more detail.

At the middle school level there are many reports of bullying that are not actually bullying.  Many of them are inappropriate behavior, but once investigated we often find that the sitaution is a two-sided conflict between two students.  Unfortunately, the media has made us hyper-sensitive to the term 'bullying' making us believe that if our child is bullied it could eventually lead to them hurting themselves or worse.  Therefore, when our child comes home and tells us she has been bullied we immediately put on our protector pants and jump in to put a stop to it.  While it is certainly understandable that no parent will stand for their child being bullied, jumping in immediately may actually be hurting your child more than helping.

Building a sense of self-confidence is one of the most crucial parts of adolescent development.  It is also one of the hardest.  Teaching a child how to advocate for himself is one of the best ways to help him build self-confidence.  A child can advocate for himself by confronting the person he has a conflict with and talking through the situation.  A child can also advocate for himself by reporting the situation to an adult at home and at school.  A parent's number one priority is to take care of their child.  We want them to be safe and confident in themselves.  The next time your child mentions a conflict at school, give them the courage to advocate for themselves and always let them know they have your full support.

Welcome Back!

Welcome back!

After a two months at home with my new baby boy, it's great to be back at WMS and it's good to be back on the blog as well!  If this is your first time visiting - welcome!  We're glad to have you.  The purpose of this blog is to provide families with information about what is going on at WMS along with tips and tricks to raising a middle school child.  I have a four month old at home, but people tell me infants and teenagers can be very similar.  They want what they want, when they want it, and they'll whine and scream at you if they don't get it :)  Just kidding. 

Much of the information provided on this blog is researched-based advice from professionals in the field of education and child development.  If at any time you have questions or would like information on a certain topic, please leave a comment at the bottom or shoot me an email!  I will try to post regularly, so check back often!

Adolescent Relationships

A great article from Palo Alto Unified School Distrcit's Adolescent Counseling Services:

One of the most exciting aspects about going to high school for an adolescent is also one of the most difficult: the possibility of romantic relationships. Teens may idealize a boyfriend or girlfriend as an attractive person with whom they can date, and develop an intimate relationship. Of course, however, it isn’t always as simple as this.

Romantic relationships are very important for teens, for many reasons. First of all, society tells teenagers (and adults for that matter) that being in a relationship is better than being single. It is also true that the teen years are inherently a time when individuals feel less confident in themselves, so having someone caring for them can make them feel more confident. In addition, some teens may have strained relationships with their parents and feel that a boyfriend or girlfriend will fill a void for them. Add this to the fact that teens are dealing with raging hormones, and the desire to be involved in a relationship becomes very strong.

Unfortunately, some teens focus so much on being in a relationship, that it becomes a “no matter what” situation. This can be problematic because in their desperation, they may choose a boyfriend or girlfriend that may not be in their best interest, or they may fail to take into account that being in a relationship takes hard work and some sacrifice.

While teenage romantic relationships are difficult, they are a necessary part of growing up in our society, as is the process of ending a relationship as a teen. Parents are often concerned with their teen’s reaction to a relationship ending. Some parents may have a very difficult time witnessing their child in pain. They may feel helpless and want to ease the hurt. Other parents may downplay the pain that their child is in, not fully understanding that the loss of a relationship for a teenager who is not developed emotionally is tantamount to any loss at any age.

For teens, a relationship ending can feel like a failure. They may develop the irrational belief that they will never be in another relationship, that this was the person they were supposed to marry, or that they are “unlovable.” They may go to extreme ends to hold on to the relationship, some feeling so helpless that they are willing to sacrifice their values, while others may resort to making threats to discourage the break-up. All this is in effort to regain something that they fear, if lost, will never be experienced again.

The loss of a relationship during adolescence is particularly difficult because of the high probability that these teens will see each other often, whether they attend the same school or have the same friends. Seeing the other person regularly makes the difficult process of moving on even more difficult. Often teens become so distracted that their focus on academics may shift and they may begin to struggle with grades.

Although this can be a difficult time, there are important lessons to be learned in the process of experiencing the break up of relationships. These lessons include the newfound belief that they can be self-reliant, they can be assertive, they can survive difficult feelings, and they can survive the loss of one relationship without the fear that they will never find love again.

You as a parent can play a key role in helping your child deal effectively with the loss of a relationship. By being empathic, understanding and available to teens, you can help to ease the emotional distress. You should also try to support teens and encourage them to continue to pursue new experiences. Teens often think they are alone in their feelings. In order to help your child feel less alone and recover more quickly from a breakup, you can normalize these intense feelings by…(listening to them?). People should avoid using terms like “good” or “bad” to define their teen’s feelings. After all, feelings are real, and teens need to be allowed to feel them without judgment.

For more information see:  http://www.acs-teens.org/

MIX IT UP MONDAY

On Monday, WMS students participated in MIX IT UP MONDAY.  This is our own version of Mix It Up @ Lunch.  Mix It Up @ Lunch is a national event that encourages students to break out of their normal social groups and form relationships with other people.  Students were assigned a random table number and were then able to interact with kids they don’t normally socialize with on a regular basis.  WMS Ambassadors acted as leaders for each table as the groups worked together to solve riddles and get to know one another.