Adolescent Relationships

A great article from Palo Alto Unified School Distrcit's Adolescent Counseling Services:

One of the most exciting aspects about going to high school for an adolescent is also one of the most difficult: the possibility of romantic relationships. Teens may idealize a boyfriend or girlfriend as an attractive person with whom they can date, and develop an intimate relationship. Of course, however, it isn’t always as simple as this.

Romantic relationships are very important for teens, for many reasons. First of all, society tells teenagers (and adults for that matter) that being in a relationship is better than being single. It is also true that the teen years are inherently a time when individuals feel less confident in themselves, so having someone caring for them can make them feel more confident. In addition, some teens may have strained relationships with their parents and feel that a boyfriend or girlfriend will fill a void for them. Add this to the fact that teens are dealing with raging hormones, and the desire to be involved in a relationship becomes very strong.

Unfortunately, some teens focus so much on being in a relationship, that it becomes a “no matter what” situation. This can be problematic because in their desperation, they may choose a boyfriend or girlfriend that may not be in their best interest, or they may fail to take into account that being in a relationship takes hard work and some sacrifice.

While teenage romantic relationships are difficult, they are a necessary part of growing up in our society, as is the process of ending a relationship as a teen. Parents are often concerned with their teen’s reaction to a relationship ending. Some parents may have a very difficult time witnessing their child in pain. They may feel helpless and want to ease the hurt. Other parents may downplay the pain that their child is in, not fully understanding that the loss of a relationship for a teenager who is not developed emotionally is tantamount to any loss at any age.

For teens, a relationship ending can feel like a failure. They may develop the irrational belief that they will never be in another relationship, that this was the person they were supposed to marry, or that they are “unlovable.” They may go to extreme ends to hold on to the relationship, some feeling so helpless that they are willing to sacrifice their values, while others may resort to making threats to discourage the break-up. All this is in effort to regain something that they fear, if lost, will never be experienced again.

The loss of a relationship during adolescence is particularly difficult because of the high probability that these teens will see each other often, whether they attend the same school or have the same friends. Seeing the other person regularly makes the difficult process of moving on even more difficult. Often teens become so distracted that their focus on academics may shift and they may begin to struggle with grades.

Although this can be a difficult time, there are important lessons to be learned in the process of experiencing the break up of relationships. These lessons include the newfound belief that they can be self-reliant, they can be assertive, they can survive difficult feelings, and they can survive the loss of one relationship without the fear that they will never find love again.

You as a parent can play a key role in helping your child deal effectively with the loss of a relationship. By being empathic, understanding and available to teens, you can help to ease the emotional distress. You should also try to support teens and encourage them to continue to pursue new experiences. Teens often think they are alone in their feelings. In order to help your child feel less alone and recover more quickly from a breakup, you can normalize these intense feelings by…(listening to them?). People should avoid using terms like “good” or “bad” to define their teen’s feelings. After all, feelings are real, and teens need to be allowed to feel them without judgment.

For more information see:  http://www.acs-teens.org/

MIX IT UP MONDAY

On Monday, WMS students participated in MIX IT UP MONDAY.  This is our own version of Mix It Up @ Lunch.  Mix It Up @ Lunch is a national event that encourages students to break out of their normal social groups and form relationships with other people.  Students were assigned a random table number and were then able to interact with kids they don’t normally socialize with on a regular basis.  WMS Ambassadors acted as leaders for each table as the groups worked together to solve riddles and get to know one another. 

Fainting Game

Happy New Year!  I apologize for the long absence, but now that the new semester is up and rolling, I hope to get back on track with consistent posts!

This week's post comes from Kent Reed.  Mr. Reed is the School Counseling Program Consultant for the Kansas Department of Education.  He provides numerous resources and research to school counselors, teachers, administrators and families across the state. 

If you have questions or concerns about this topic, please contact me at grievesk@usd320.com

'The Choking Game' is a 'game' that has been in existence for over 20 years.  Its popularity comes and goes, but right now it seems to be gaining interest among young adolescents.  Hopefully this information will help you identify dangerous activities among your teenagers or just open up a conversation with them about the dangers of seemingly innocent 'games.'

1. What is the Choking Game?

a. It’s not a game at all—just an act of suffocating on purpose.

b. Adolescents cut off the flow of blood to the brain, in exchange for a few seconds of feeling lightheaded. Some strangle themselves with a belt, a rope or their bare hands; others push on their chest or hyperventilate.

c. When they release the pressure, blood that was blocked up floods the brain all at once. This sets off a warm and fuzzy feeling, which is just the brain dying, thousands of cells at a time.

2. Who’s playing the Choking Game?

a. Mostly boys and girls between 9-16 years old, nationwide and around the world. These adolescents are generally high-achieving in academics, activities and sports, and don’t want to risk getting caught with drugs or alcohol. The practice is taught through word of mouth and through the internet.

b. By one name or another, the Choking Game has been going on for well over 20 years. But the most recent use of bonds (ropes, belts) and the growing practice of playing alone have increased its deadliness dramatically.

c.  It’s estimated as many as 250 to 1,000 young people die in the United States each year playing some variant of the Choking Game, but it’s difficult to track statistics because many of the cases are reported as suicides.

3. Why are kids doing it?

a.       Some do it for the high, which can become addictive.

b.      Others do it because it's “cool” and risky.

c.       Most kids who have died from this were active, intelligent, stable children who thought this was a safe alternative to drugs and alcohol. Most children have no concept of their own mortality—they truly believe nothing can hurt them.

For more info go to Games Adolescents Shouldn’t Play (GASP) at http://www.gaspinfo.com/en/choking.html.

NetSmartz - Internet Safety

During the month of November, Katie Fox of Manhattan Boys and Girls club traveled to WMS three times to make a presentation to each grade level about internet safety.  Miss Fox travels across the state presenting 'NetSmartz' lessons for grades K-12 as well as teachers, staff and parents.  Though the presentations for each grade level were a little bit different they all focused on how our students can keep themselves safe when using the internet, Facebook, web-enabled video games and cell phones.  Here are some of the most important and interesting facts from her presentation.

FACEBOOK and other Social Media Sites
- Age Limit:  The minimum age for having a Facebook account is 13.  This age limit is set because there is a certain level of maturity that is necessary for using this social media site.  If your child is having issues with bullying on Facebook, please consider if they are even of age to be using Facebook.
- Privacy Settings:  If you do not have yours set for "Friends Only" over 600,000,000 people you don't know have access to your most personal information.
- Public Search - In your privacy settings you can find a box labeled 'Enable Public Search.'  Miss Fox recommended unchecking this box so that you can only be found by friends and people you know.  This is a way to protect yourself from shady characters that are searching for young teenagers on the internet.
- Status Updates:  Setting your status as "on vacation with my family for 6 days" is a dead give away that your home is empty and ready for anyone that wants to break in.  Be careful that your status updates don't give habits or personal information that could make you and your family vulnerable.
- Geo-tagging:  If your phone has GPS capabilities then it has Geo-tagging.  When you take a picture with your phone and then upload the picture to Facebook, Twitter or anywhere else on the internet, everyone who sees that picture has access to the 'geo-tag.'  That means they can see the exact time and location the picture was taken.  Again, this is providing very private information to many people - especially if you did not change your privacy settings.  You can turn geo-tagging off.  All phones are different - ask your provider if you need assistance.
- Employers/Recruiters:  When our students begin applying for part-time or full-time jobs and college scholoarships, it is guaranteed there will be a Google and/or Facebook search done on them.  Miss Fox shared that businesses and colleges have sophisticated software that allow them to see a person's internet content (Facebook, Twitter, Google, etc) for the past 5 years - even if it has been deleted!  The content that our 8th graders put on Facebook now will still be accessible when they are applying for college and jobs 5 years from now - even if they delete it! 
- Deleting Information - It is impossible to completely delete or deactivate your information once it has been put into cyber-space.  By the time you decide to delete a bad profile picture, someone else could have saved it to their own computer and can now do anything they want with that file - post it to another website, put it on their Facebook, email it, etc.
- Disguises - People can be whatever they want to be on the internet.  If you do not personally know a person, you have no guarantee they are who they say they are.
- Choose Friends Wisely:  Miss Fox's guidelines for choosing Facebook friends:
       1.  Have you met them face to face?
       2.  Do you have a relationship with this person?
       3.  Have you talked with them in person or on the phone in the last 6-12 months?
       4.  Would you hang out with this person and have a face-to-face conversation?
Hopefully our children can answer yes to these questions!

GAMING
- Much like Facebook, there are ratings on games such as Black Ops for the protection of our children.
- Interactive gaming on games rated 'Mature' increases the likelihood that our children are gaming with people much older than them.  This puts our children in a very dangerous and vulnerable position for bullying and innappropriate interactions.

SEXTING (presented to 8th grade only)
- Sexting can be defined two ways:
       1.  Sending text messages that make sexual references or use sexual inuendos
       2.  Taking an inappropriate picture (either fully or partially nude) and sending it to someone via text.
Miss Fox showed an excellent video that reminded students that once they make the decision to send a 'sext,' what happens next is completely out of their control.  Though they might only send it to 1 person - that person has the power to forward it to 100 people who can each forward it to 100 more people, etc, etc. 
- Legal Ramifications:  Taking, sending or storing a nude or partially nude photo of a young teenager on your phone is considered to be distribution and/or possession of child pornography - even if you are only 14!  There have been multiple cases across the country of teenagers who have shared these types of photos among friends and have ultimately been charged with possession of child pornography.  This is a charge that will go on a person's record and will permanently place them on the state's 'Sexual Offenders' list.  This will seriously jeopordize their ability to get a job, attend the college of their choice, and have the opportunities they might have had otherwise.  Please help us educate our students about the severity and long-term effects of sexting.

WHAT DO I DO NOW?
1.  Sit down with your child and help them check their Facebook Privacy Settings
2.  Have your child take unnecessary personal information off of their profiles - such as cell phone number, home address, and status updates that make your family vulnerable, etc
3.  Encourage your child to eliminate any pictures, comments, or 'interests' that they do not want their future employer to see.
4.  Talk with your child about the consequences of sexting and how to avoid it.

If you believe you have been the target of on-line bullying or innappropriate interaction you can contact:
http://www.cybertipline.com/ or 1.800.THE.LOST to make an anonymous report.

An Unusual Thanksgiving

Signs the holiday season is coming:
- It's dark at 5:30 pm
- Radio stations are playing Christmas music
- Commercials for children's toys are taking over television channels

Regardless of your holiday traditions and celebrations, these signs are also good reminders for us to stop and be thankful for all of the blessings in our lives.  I would encourage you to find a night this week to sit down for a family dinner and participate in this activity together....

'An Unusual Thanksgiving'....
It is easy for us to think of things we are thankful for, but are you ready for a challenge?  See if you can think of 10 things you normally complain about and find a reason to be thankful for them.  I'll give some examples to get you started....

Even though....
....I have to do my laundry, I am thankful to have nice clothes to wear.
....I have to get up really early, I am thankful to see beautiful sunrises on my way to school.
....I have to listen to my mom and dad lecture me, I am thankful to have a family that cares about me.
...I have to do chores, I am thankful that my family needs my help.

Now it's your turn.  Take turns among the members of your family finding ways to be thankful for those things you most often complain about.  You might be in for a few surprises. 

Feel free to share some of your favorites in the comments section - I'm sure some of us can relate!!

Bullying is..... Bullying is not....

These days it seems that one of the media's favorite subjects is bullying.  Bullying is certainly different than it was 10 or 20 years ago, but it is not necessarily more prevalent.  In fact, according to Dorothy Espelage, PhD, a professor of Child Development and Educational Psychology at the University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign, only 8% of students in grades three to eight are the targets of true bullying.  Dr. Espelage recently spoke at a conference in Kansas City, MO and has dedicated her life to researching bullying trends and peer norms within our society. 

To combat bullying within our schools, bully education is more comprehensive than it has ever been before, but are we really teaching our students how to recognize the difference between bullying and other inappropriate behaviors?

At the middle school level, we see innappropriate behavior often.  Kids joke, tease, and annoy each other a lot.  They can also get angry, frustrated and aggressive.  Before we start labelling everything as bullying, we need to make sure we really understand what bullying is. 

Bullying is.....
- an intentional act
- repeated multiple times towards a specific person
- meant to intentionally cause physical or emotional harm to a specific person

The following behaviors are also inappropriate and should be handled as such, but they are not necessarily bullying.  However, if any of these actions start to be repeatedly targeted at one child for the purpose of hurting that child physically or emotionally, it has become bullying.

Agression is....
- hitting, slapping, kicking or punching someone out of anger, frustration or horseplay
- yelling or calling names out of anger, frustration or horseplay

Annoying behavior is....
- touching another person's stuff
- following another person or always wanting to stand/sit by that person
- making irritating sounds, hand gestures or movements

Inappropriate joking is....
- Making comments about a person's appearance, actions or abilities out of jest
- Teasing or joking with friends without the intention of hurting someone else's feelings (though hurt feelings is often the outcome of jokes among friends)


Understanding the difference....
Let me be clear, these behaviors are not acceptable, but they are also not bullying.  Let's help our kids understand the difference so that we can also help them learn how to handle and avoid these behaviors.

While we certainly want our children to report serious behavior to an adult, we also want them to know they have the power to stand up for themselves.  In most cases, our children have the power to stop the unwanted behavior if we help them learn how. 

Empowering our children....
At Wamego Middle School, we have a school-wide 'Stop Signal.'  A 'stop signal' is a commonly known word that anyone can use to communicate that a certain behavior has gone too far.  Our stop signal is the word ENOUGH.  Students have been taught to use this word whenever they feel inappropriate behavior or bullying has gone too far.  They have been taught to say it for themselves, to say it for other people, and to listen when someone says it to them. 

Many unwanted behaviors such as teasing, annoying, and even bullying can be eliminated by simply looking the other person in the eye and saying "Hey, that's enough."  Of course, if the behavior continues or if the child feels unsafe, they should certainly report it to an adult, but let's empower our children to solve their own problems.  They will spend their whole lives interacting with people who are rude, annoying, and innappropriate.  Let's help them learn how to handle these situations when they can.


To learn more about Dr. Espelage's work visit http://education.illinois.edu/frp/e/espelage#biography

To learn more about bullying as defined by the Kansas Department of Education: 

'It's Not What You Say....'

How many times have you heard and/or said 'It's not what you say; it's how you say it'?  That is the theme of this month's guidance lessons.  During the month of October, I will be teaching students in each grade level about verbal and non-verbal communication.  Here are a few highlights so you can quiz your kid and see if they were listening :)  (Disclaimer:  7th grade students will not hear this lesson until next Tuesday.  You can give them a little bit of a break). 

When we speak, 70% of what people hear comes from our body language, or non-verbal communication, while only 30% comes from the actual words we are saying.  Non-verbal communication can include:  eye contact, hand gestures, personal space, posture, tone of voice, and facial expressions. 

Example:
      Parent says:  "How was your day?"
      Student says:  "Good."  (hands on hips, eyes rolling, sarcasm flowing)
      What parent hears:  "Ugh, why do we have to talk about this again?"

Three common mistakes we make with our non-verbal communication is that our body language is either too strong, too weak, or confusing.  During this lesson students were able to practice saying a simple phrase while using different tones of voice, different eye contact, and different posture.  They also had the opportunity to role play different scenarios and practice using strong, confident body language while not making one of the mistakes listed above. 

Though it may seem obvious to us, our children are often unaware of the messages they communicate to their family and friends through their non-verbal communication.  If your child can get an 'attitude' while speaking to you, try having a conversation in front of a bathroom or hallway mirror so they can see themselves.  You can also record the conversation on a cell phone or computer so they can hear their tone of voice.  We can only expect children to learn what we model and teach for them.  Their body language can be an opportunity for a very teachable moment!