Bullying is..... Bullying is not....

These days it seems that one of the media's favorite subjects is bullying.  Bullying is certainly different than it was 10 or 20 years ago, but it is not necessarily more prevalent.  In fact, according to Dorothy Espelage, PhD, a professor of Child Development and Educational Psychology at the University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign, only 8% of students in grades three to eight are the targets of true bullying.  Dr. Espelage recently spoke at a conference in Kansas City, MO and has dedicated her life to researching bullying trends and peer norms within our society. 

To combat bullying within our schools, bully education is more comprehensive than it has ever been before, but are we really teaching our students how to recognize the difference between bullying and other inappropriate behaviors?

At the middle school level, we see innappropriate behavior often.  Kids joke, tease, and annoy each other a lot.  They can also get angry, frustrated and aggressive.  Before we start labelling everything as bullying, we need to make sure we really understand what bullying is. 

Bullying is.....
- an intentional act
- repeated multiple times towards a specific person
- meant to intentionally cause physical or emotional harm to a specific person

The following behaviors are also inappropriate and should be handled as such, but they are not necessarily bullying.  However, if any of these actions start to be repeatedly targeted at one child for the purpose of hurting that child physically or emotionally, it has become bullying.

Agression is....
- hitting, slapping, kicking or punching someone out of anger, frustration or horseplay
- yelling or calling names out of anger, frustration or horseplay

Annoying behavior is....
- touching another person's stuff
- following another person or always wanting to stand/sit by that person
- making irritating sounds, hand gestures or movements

Inappropriate joking is....
- Making comments about a person's appearance, actions or abilities out of jest
- Teasing or joking with friends without the intention of hurting someone else's feelings (though hurt feelings is often the outcome of jokes among friends)


Understanding the difference....
Let me be clear, these behaviors are not acceptable, but they are also not bullying.  Let's help our kids understand the difference so that we can also help them learn how to handle and avoid these behaviors.

While we certainly want our children to report serious behavior to an adult, we also want them to know they have the power to stand up for themselves.  In most cases, our children have the power to stop the unwanted behavior if we help them learn how. 

Empowering our children....
At Wamego Middle School, we have a school-wide 'Stop Signal.'  A 'stop signal' is a commonly known word that anyone can use to communicate that a certain behavior has gone too far.  Our stop signal is the word ENOUGH.  Students have been taught to use this word whenever they feel inappropriate behavior or bullying has gone too far.  They have been taught to say it for themselves, to say it for other people, and to listen when someone says it to them. 

Many unwanted behaviors such as teasing, annoying, and even bullying can be eliminated by simply looking the other person in the eye and saying "Hey, that's enough."  Of course, if the behavior continues or if the child feels unsafe, they should certainly report it to an adult, but let's empower our children to solve their own problems.  They will spend their whole lives interacting with people who are rude, annoying, and innappropriate.  Let's help them learn how to handle these situations when they can.


To learn more about Dr. Espelage's work visit http://education.illinois.edu/frp/e/espelage#biography

To learn more about bullying as defined by the Kansas Department of Education: 

'It's Not What You Say....'

How many times have you heard and/or said 'It's not what you say; it's how you say it'?  That is the theme of this month's guidance lessons.  During the month of October, I will be teaching students in each grade level about verbal and non-verbal communication.  Here are a few highlights so you can quiz your kid and see if they were listening :)  (Disclaimer:  7th grade students will not hear this lesson until next Tuesday.  You can give them a little bit of a break). 

When we speak, 70% of what people hear comes from our body language, or non-verbal communication, while only 30% comes from the actual words we are saying.  Non-verbal communication can include:  eye contact, hand gestures, personal space, posture, tone of voice, and facial expressions. 

Example:
      Parent says:  "How was your day?"
      Student says:  "Good."  (hands on hips, eyes rolling, sarcasm flowing)
      What parent hears:  "Ugh, why do we have to talk about this again?"

Three common mistakes we make with our non-verbal communication is that our body language is either too strong, too weak, or confusing.  During this lesson students were able to practice saying a simple phrase while using different tones of voice, different eye contact, and different posture.  They also had the opportunity to role play different scenarios and practice using strong, confident body language while not making one of the mistakes listed above. 

Though it may seem obvious to us, our children are often unaware of the messages they communicate to their family and friends through their non-verbal communication.  If your child can get an 'attitude' while speaking to you, try having a conversation in front of a bathroom or hallway mirror so they can see themselves.  You can also record the conversation on a cell phone or computer so they can hear their tone of voice.  We can only expect children to learn what we model and teach for them.  Their body language can be an opportunity for a very teachable moment!